Are you “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob?” If you don’t have an answer to that question, read no further.

As with every other film before it, the fourth and penultimate installment of the “Twilight” franchise, “Breaking Dawn: Part I,” is made entirely for the enjoyment of its fan-base -- a fan-base primarily comprised of lovesick tweens, who do little more than drool over the sharp-jawed, sparkly vampire (Edward) and the tall, dark and handsome wolf with the washboard abs (Jacob).

At least, that’s been the M.O. This go-around, color me disappointed, people, because in this film we see neither see Jacob’s abs (under two seconds doesn’t count) nor Edward sparkle. And this is despite Edward openly frolicking on a Brazilian beach! Riddle me that.

Are you non-Twilighters confused yet? See? That’s why I told you to stop reading.

Ok, fine. Brief breakdown:

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is a shy, awkward teen who falls head over two left feet for Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire. The Cullens are a coven of “vegetarians,” meaning they prey on animal-blood rather than the far tastier human variety. This allows them to live among we normal, mortal folk. And so, “the lion fell in love with the lamb.” (The Twihards love that line.)

Enter Jacob, Bella’s smoking hot, long-time BFF who loves her and wants to kill Edward, not just because he stole his woman, but because Edward is a “cold one” and Jake is a shape-shifter/wolf, and wolves and vampires hate each other.

Duh.

When again we meet the star-crossed lovers in “Breaking Dawn,” Edward and Bella are making it official and getting hitched. Yes, Bella is only 18, but they want to consummate the relationship, so clearly, they have to get married. There’s no other choice. (Insert heated debate about Mormon author Stephenie Meyers infusing “Twilight” with religious dogma here.)

Consummate they do, amid a candlelit, artsy montage, compliments of director Bill Condon. Condon is admired for his work on such hits as “Chicago,” “Kinsey” and “Dreamgirls,” and he brings a level of sophistication to this movie never before seen in the previous installments. It’s as if “Twilight” went indie, with its thoughtful, exacting cinematography and bright, indie-pop soundtrack.

The film is also much more pensive than the rest, lacking the intense action sequences typical of the others. Most scenes simply show a lounging, skeletal, pregnant Bella, as she's slowly killed by the half-vampire demon baby who's breaking her bones from within her uterus.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I not mention the demon baby? My bad.

Will the baby kill Bella before Edward kills her? I mean, “changes” her – into a vampire, that is? You’ll have to see it to find out.

Catch it at:

* The Regal Cinema at 12:50 p.m., 1:50 p.m., 2:20 p.m., 3:40 p.m., 4:40 p.m., 5:10 p.m., 6:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m., 8 p.m., 9:50 p.m., 10:20 p.m., 10:50 p.m.

* AMC Tilghman 8 in South Whitehall at ‎‎10 a.m., 11 a.m., 1 p.m., ‎2 p.m.,  ‎4 p.m., ‎4:50‎ p.m., ‎7 p.m., ‎7:45‎ p.m., ‎10 p.m. and ‎10:30 p.m.‎

* The Rave at the Promenade Shops at Saucon Valley at ‎‎10:15‎ a.m., ‎10:45‎ a.m., ‎11:15 a.m., 1 p.m., 1:45‎ p.m., ‎2:15‎ p.m., ‎4:10‎ p.m., ‎4:45‎ p.m., ‎5:30‎ p.m, ‎6:40‎ p.m., ‎7:15‎ p.m., ‎7:45‎ p.m., ‎8:15‎ p.m., ‎9:30‎ p.m., ‎10:15 p.m., 10:45‎ p.m., ‎11:15 p.m‎.