Auld Lang Syne, Junk Food

The local printed comic delivers the Sunday ads and features section a day early now so it gives me a heads up on my horoscope for the following day. Nothing like getting bad news early. Anyway, my fortune for New Year’s Day suggests that I get old relationships in order so that I can move ahead to a profitable and healthy 2012.

Not bad advice and it got me thinking about some of my closest friends and how they have impacted my life. You know what? They have to go. It’s not going to be easy; it seems like I’ve been close to some of these guys forever. But it’s time to say aloha, hasta la vista, sayonara.

I hope they don’t hold grudges.

I’m talking to you, Famous Amos. What can I say, dude? You are da man! I can’t think of how many mornings we've had coffee together and you have given me that little kick I need to get going. I love you, man, but it’s time, it’s time.

Sugar. You’ve been there my whole life, sweetness, and it seems like you’re part of everything. But enough is enough. Time to move on and find another honey.

The Utz family. You guys are the best! How many nights have we spent together, watching TV and chowing down? You’re like a second family to me, but guys, I have to make some tough decisions here. It’s time to go our separate ways. I know you’ll find others out there. There are plenty like me who crave that salty relationship we have enjoyed for so long. You’ll be fine.

Finally, Dick Yuengling and the gang in Pottsville. Man, this is the hardest. Everybody says you guys made me the man I am today. Really. Sometimes it seems like we get together just about every night, and it's always been fun, but c’mon, man, people are talking. We have to find new friends.

I know, I know. I hear you guys. Without you, I’ll probably be half the man I am now, but I have to take that chance.

I’ve found a New Balance in my life. I’ve returned to the old Trek and I’m moving on. Heck, by this time next year, I might even be living on Planet Fitness. I know it’s going to be hard and I’m gonna miss all of you, terribly. But hey, we can still see each other at parties and family gatherings, right? We won’t be total strangers.

In the meantime, I’ve got to shoulder some new weight and push against the resistance to get where I want to be. I know you’ll all understand, someday. It’s been fun, but it’s time to say farewell, au revoir, auld lang syne.

Hey, maybe I’ll see you all next New Year’s Eve and we’ll put down a few, just for old time’s sake. Later, old friends.